Sunday, February 20, 2011

"When Life Hands You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold"

Is there a sight more beautiful than a desert sunset, when the sun, as if ashamed of its whitish daytime fierceness, lavishes a bounty of unimaginably tender and pure colors on its guests?
-Kirill Yeskov

I've been in the desert now for a few weeks, and on some levels it's bringing out my monkish contemplation, it's not inspired me to write. So this may seem forced, especially after a two month absence.
     The desert teaches serenity, which is the perfect lesson for me now. I've made it one of my new years resolutions (which I don't typically make) to be more at peace, to appreciate stillness, and not always require some kind of mental stimulation. So being here, with a lot of free time but not an equal bounty of activities, is perfect for this.
    My mindset, too is benefiting. I feel more free than usual, more autonomous. There's a feeling like an old bill has been completely paid off, and a weight lifted from my shoulders. There's no chain linking me to something outside of my moment, no distractions. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with the path I'm on, and committing myself to it. I have to admit that there is a good chance that it's exactly that which is inspiring me to write again.
     I always sought adventure, and as a child knew I wanted some vagabond life. Now I've found it. I had a conversation with a friend about the scariness of reaching ones full potential. I'm finding my way, though, and on some levels, learning to forgive myself for having so much fun for so little cost. For me, that's difficult. I feel slightly uncomfortable, sometimes, because to my friends outside of the circuit, all I have to talk about it is how great the weather is, how little I work, how much fun I'm having. And to those who are struggling through work, money, moves, or family problems, it can cause a disconnect.
     I'm here, at a festival, but I'm not performing and that's a bit tough. I really miss the stage, and the excitement. I also miss a lot of what I used to do: I'd love to find a good show, a dramatic role for me to work on. I miss that connection, that depth. Hopefully soon I'll find a project to jump into.
     I've been joking a lot lately that I either need a girlfriend or a dog. This is the weird boundary between that aforementioned autonomy, and the loneliness which can come with it. It's a need for companionship, as my friend Emily once so beautifully put it: "The person you process life with".  I like being single, I enjoy the freedom. That's not really connected to dating, I just like being able to ea spoonfuls of peanut butter and drink kool-aid and not get yelled at. I like being able to pass out at six at night or six in the morning. I like not having to call and check in, or be checked in on. But at the same time, a real partnership is something I miss. It'll come.
     I'm not sure what else to say at this moment, this posting is admittedly short and self-centered (a nasty habit to get into) but will hopefully serve to get me back on track to semi-regular postings, hopefully of interest.