In hallways and shopping malls I find you
Invariably, I am with others-
I leave them at the sight of you.
In the last one you threw things at me.
I knew immediately you were you-
You who could never assault
You were saying “Were I violent
I’d be violent. Could I hurt you-
Now I’d be hurting you.”
But you couldn’t bring yourself to that.
So you flirt.
I look into your eyes and I know you’re hiding.
I follow you down those crooked paths/alleys/halls
And you continue just out of reach.
You are a casket for a flower,
Your feelings for me are schrodinger’s cat.
In my dreams we evade all that we’ve known,
Our days reduced to our own simple company,
Our own simple joys.
We don’t speak of the past-
We don’t dare speak of your present,
Our thoughts, but never our words
On our futures.
In my dreams you’re there with an unspoken promise of sex
In my dreams, it’s a matter of time.
And before consummated,
This wakes me- terrified.
Your memory is with me then all the next day.
I’m certain you’ll call,
I’m certain your sister-
My last thin strand tied to you-
Knows what I’ve dreamt,
Certain she watched us from the wings of my dream
Certain she’ll slap me to rouse me from this fevered belief
We could ever touch again.
I’m certain of so little, by nightfall.
I crawl hesitantly into bed,
Wondering what new dimly lit mirage
I’ll be met with.
You’ve yet to come back a consecutive night.
I know only the frost of your silence,
I know only an endless litany of my wrongs against you,
New ones recalled with each dream.
Recited like prayer, another meaningless apology
Thrown on a heap of what you’ve made clear
Is the garbage of my useless apologies.
The punishments and rewards we doled to each other in youth
We’ll never forget or forgive.
I wish you well with your Whirlwind lover,
I hope only you think of me
Less often than I think of you.